Taylor Swift’s rise to fame has been transcendent. She has sold over 26 million albums, and she’s barely 23 years old. For context, 26 million is a number that most of Swift’s peers will only experience when tabbing up the milligrams of salt imbibed through Top Ramen broth during their previous four years of education. She stole our hearts as a wide-eyed country girl just trying to find love in this crazy, messed-up world, complete with a mousy face and blonde curled locks, strumming simple guitar riffs while simultaneously bucking bales of hay and riding a wild stallion across a quintessential American prairie. Or so we assume.
She defines innocence in a popular culture where characters like Lindsay Lohan plead guilty to inarguable car crashes and where mothers who force-feed their daughter Mountain Dew, not so subtly renamed “go-go juice,” are rewarded with reality TV shows.
She doesn’t wear short skirts, she wears T-shirts. She’s not the cheer captain, she’s up in the bleachers. She’s fearless. She’s annoyingly wholesome and 100 percent All-American. She’s the kind of girl that mothers want their sons to date and the kind of wholesome crooner that won’t cause Nana to cringe when her songs come on the radio.
But all is not well on the home front. Swift is tapping into her country roots in more ways than one, and seems to have booked a permanent suite at the Heartbreak Hotel.
She wants so badly to be in love, she sings about it in every one of her damn songs, asking as basic and idiotic questions as, “Why you got to be so mean?” (If you have to ask, you clearly don’t deserve an answer.)
Her vulnerability is both admirable and exhausting, but it’s like, at this point, we get it: You just can’t seem to fall in love.
It seems like every other week she is dating someone new. Then six months later, we become privy to the intimate details of her romance via her latest album, all of which are based on her life.
Even if she did know he was trouble when he walked in, it didn’t stop her from dating playboy musician John Mayer and going on to write a song titled “Dear John,” which bemoaned her heartache over being dumped.
The same thing happened after her brief stint with Twilight’s star werewolf, Taylor Lautner — same story, different song (something about how things got weird back in December).
And despite singing about never ever getting back together, the latest reports say that T. Swift is back dating boy band One Direction star Harry Styles.
It’s unclear whether she dates aggressively in order to have material for her songs or because she loses interest after about five minutes. Regardless, America just wants — nay, needs — this girl to find the other half of this heart-shaped amulet.
Everyone in America knows exactly what kind of man she needs: A man of values. A man who sticks up for what he believes in and is not afraid of criticism. A man who can match her annoying wholesomeness with some of his own.
That man is none other than New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow.
The similarities between the two are striking, to say the least. Trusting relationships with men have been hard to come by for Tebow as well; he was traded after giving the Denver Broncos more media coverage than they’ve experienced in years and forced to play second and sometimes third fiddle as a strange quarterback/fullback/halfback hybrid in New York. Hardly a nurturing relationship. And courting other teams may prove fruitless.
“It’s not you, it’s me, Tim,” said the NFL in a statement released at the end of the 2012 season. Though, tragically, there was no breakup song.
Lastly, lest we forget, Tebow may be the most famous virgin in the United States. I’m not sure what that does for his dating stock or if it’s even applicable — we just shouldn’t forget that.
It’s not like wooing Taylor Swift would be hard. She’s practically written the manual into each of her songs. She’s fond of kissing in the rain, sneaking out late, doors opened for her and a little 2 a.m. name-cursing, just to keep things interesting. She’s looking for that roller-coaster kind of rush where she never knew she could feel so much. And really, who isn’t?
So why can’t Tim Tebow just see, that she is the one for him? Seriously. Each of them define what it means to be All-American. They are two nice, wholesome, good-looking kids just trying to stay true to themselves while following their dreams in the sick, twisted world of celebrity.
My advice to Tebow? Drop everything now, meet her in the pouring rain. Kiss her on the sidewalk to take away her pain. And who knows. Just maybe some sparks will fly.