This is the story of how a hatchet-wielding hitchhiker saved the day during an incredibly bizarre sequence of events to become the latest Daily Caller Patriot. (RELATED: Daily Caller Patriot: William ‘Third Eagle Apocalypse’ Tapley)
(A Daily Caller Patriot is defined as, “Someone who stands up for individual liberty in the most awesomely ridiculous, obnoxious or just outright stupid way possible.” We don’t hand these out very often, so it is kind of a big deal when we do.)
A homeless hitchhiker in Fresno, Calif. scored a ride over Sunday with a 300-pound man claiming to be Jesus Christ. The man has not been identified, so we will refer to him as “Jesus.”
Although he deigned to pick up a hitchhiker, “Jesus” wasn’t so charitable after all, since he then decided to purposefully pin a pedestrian between his car and another truck because in addition to being insane, he is also racist.
“He comes driving down this way, and he’s like, ‘ You know what, I’ve come to realize I’m Jesus Christ and I can do anything I fucking want to,’” our Daily Caller Patriot, who was in the passenger seat at the time explained. The driver then ran into the pedestrian and locked him in between two cars.
After “Jesus” pinned the innocent man between two vehicles, two female witnesses ran to the scene to try to help him because they thought he had accidentally driven into the pedestrian.
“Jesus” then grabbed one of the women as if he was going to hurt her. This is when the homeless hitchhiker intervened.
“Like, a guy that big can snap a woman’s neck like a pencil stick!” TheDC Patriot told a KPMH FOX-26 reporter. “So I fucking ran up behind him with a hatchet — SMASH, SMASH, SUMASH!”
The female victim told the reporter that the hitchhiker saved his life, to which TheDC Patriot humbly replied, “That woman was in danger. [The driver] just finished — what looked like at the time — killing somebody. And if I hadn’t have done that, he would have killed more people.”
Because of homeless, hatchet-wielding hitchhiker, none of the parties involved suffered any life-threatening injuries, and the insane Jesus is in police custody.
WATCH: (Warning — explicit, yet hilarious language.)