If you live north of New Jersey, you have most likely been warned to stay indoors for the rest of the night and well into Saturday as the adorably named winter storm Nemo prepares to pummel the east coast.
There are only so many board games one can play while locked inside, and there is really only one other thing to do. Don’t have a sexy friend you can call up to keep you company? Not to worry! This is exactly what Craigslist is for: sex partners and used televisions.
Behold, some of the best lines from personal Craigslist ads seeking last-minute adult blizzard partners (sic throughout, obviously):
- This Upper East Sider is disease free, so that’s a plus: “Before we feel Nemo’s wrath…We can feel each other’s touch? Lame? Yes. But what it lacks in wit it makes up for in…topicalness?” So true, so true. Topicalness IS important when choosing a blizzard mate, but only if a grasp of the English language is not important to you.
- This Somerset, N.Y. couple is looking for a third party: “We are a couple from Somerset. Who wants to come over and get snowed in tonight? We are educated, normal, sane people. I am tall, and she is beautiful…We are non smoker, social drinkers, and drug/disease free…[Oh], and we are looking for a woman, not a man. Repeat, we are not looking for a man!!!”
- Any ladies out there stuck at the Newark, N.J. airport and looking for a way to pass the time? You’re in luck: “I’m stuck at Newark airport due to NEMO. My flight is canceled and I am at a hotel. It would be nice if I had a woman’s company for the duration. I’m white, retired and would like to play with a woman’s body…White or asain women of ANY age prefered.” Fair enough.
- This drug-free male from the Hudson Valley just wants to cuddle: “Nemo is here and I dont wanna be stuck doing nothing so this calls for some movies and cuddle time!” Aw.
- A Milton, Mass. man gets creative with his subject line: “Let’s make a storm in the sheets!” That HAS to work on someone.
- Do you happen to be in Stowe, Vt., but are only looking for a one-time get-together? Then does this dude have quite the offer for you!:
- I’m looking for a woman to share some [no strings attached] fun on these cold winter days…I have the day off,lets fool around…today only please.”
Hey, at least you’ll know why he doesn’t call you back.