The Daily Caller

The Daily Caller
South Caroline Gov. Nikki Haley at CPAC 2013. Alex Wong/Getty Images. South Caroline Gov. Nikki Haley at CPAC 2013. Alex Wong/Getty Images.  

BEDFORD: The real conservative war on women

The war on women. The left has been harping on about it for a year, and we’re largely in agreement that while it was effective politics, it’s utter horse shit. That is, we were largely in agreement until we spent the last two days at the 2013 Conservative Political Action Conference at National Harbor. Because everything we saw told us one thing for certain: The Democrats were right — though not in the way they thought.

Because here at CPAC, the first thing we noticed was the girls: Hundreds and hundreds of beautiful girls who decided to forgo bikinis and beaches to spend their spring break in pants suits and on panels. But even the most enthusiastic young politicos can only take so much minor-celebrity lecturing before it’s off to the bar for as many free drinks as they can manage, and that’s where the war is waged: Waged by an army of the most ineligible bachelors they could imagine. A horde of CPAC Bro Soldiers that outnumbers the noble women by 2:1.

The horde is a terrifying sight to behold, but in reality, their bark is worse than their bite, and most of these young warriors are gentle souls. Still, it’s best to identify CPAC Bro Soldiers from a distance, and avoid if at all possible. So here, at The Daily Caller, we have compiled a useful list for identifying these young princes.

The Uniform

The uniform is the most effective means of identifying the CPAC Bro Soldier at a distance. Vague semblance is key to the CPAC Bro Soldier’s strategy, and their uniform is designed to allow the bro to fit in, and they know that to accomplish this, they will need a tie, a suit and dark shoes. But the devil is in the details.

First, the necktie — and they will be wearing a necktie — will be strangely worn, often dangling mid-massive-belly, or somewhere below the crotch region. Now, some men will wear a bow tie, and this does not necessarily mean they are a CPAC Bro Soldier, but if, upon closer inspection, the target does not have a southern accent, they are a CPAC Sleeper-Cell Bro.

The suit of the CPAC Bro Soldier is worn one of two ways: Large and boxy, or so tightly that their golden buttons appear ready to pop. While the number of jacket buttons varies, one can be sure that all of them — even the bottom one — will be buttoned. In addition to being slightly stained, the suit of the CPAC Bro Soldier will be adorned with a slight white powder — particularly around the shoulder region. No, this powder is not anthrax — but do not touch it.

The most common footwear of the CPAC Bro Soldier is the black sneaker, velcro optional. This footwear allows the bro to appear to be wearing dress shoes at a distance, but also gives the wearer the ability to spend long, untiring hours on his feet.

A hat is a mark of distinction for the CPAC Bro Solider, and varies in style from cowboy to Australian outback to Irish dock worker.

The Markings

The tribal markings of the CPAC Bro Solider are more diverse, but still telling. While the uniform is designed to blend in with CPAC 2013, the markings employ camouflage tactics more ancient.

The beard is most common. While many non-combatants wear one, the CPAC Bro Soldiers is, well, special. One style is the great, bushy behemoth, not dissimilar to John Brown’s. Unkempt and unshorn, it is the sign of a true believer. The second type of beard is the kind worn by those unable to grow a thick facial hair, and is often mangy and unloved. The third type  — the neck beard — is worn only by the generals of the CPAC Bro Soldiers, as a symbol of great rank.

Additionally, many CPAC Bro Soldiers prefer to wear their sideburns long and powerful — punching out like some great hero of the Union Army.

Though the comb is a technology that has been discovered by some in the ranks of the CPAC Bro Soldier Army, it is most often used to comb shiny, sticky hair straight forward — and never to the side.

Veterans of the CPAC Bro Warriors adorn themselves with giant buttons, while those who have not seen combat wear stickers.

The ultimate leaders of the CPAC Bro Warriors can be spotted wearing flag capes. The Gadsden Flag is a sign of particular distinction.

The Language

The language of the CPAC Bro Soldier is not one of romance, but of numbers, history and religion. It can be quickly identified by its high and nasally tone, or, sometimes, low and booming tone. The topic of conversation is also a dead giveaway.

If the gentleman at the bar is speaking of the specific rate of inflation, Operation Barbarossa or the sins of the flesh, he is very likely a CPAC Bro Soldier. The CPAC Bro Solider will often be very well versed in his subject: If given the chance to choose the topic, he will gravitate strongly toward one he has tackled with the intensity of an Trekky.

Often, the CPAC Bro Soldier punctuates his speech with sneezes, sniffles and hand-to-nose wipes. The origin of this custom is unknown, but some trace it back to allergies.

The Mission

The mission of the CPAC Bro Solider is less-well understood. While aggressive in his pursuit of argument and the highly coveted capture of a female’s attention, by and large the CPAC Bro Soldier means no harm, and is incapable of sophisticated malice. In the end, the true damage a CPAC Bro Soldier inflicts isn’t hanging out at CPAC — which is great — but in how damn many of him are, in fact, hanging out at CPAC.

Yes, ladies, the war on women is real. We have seen it; and it is terrible. We feel your pain, and know your struggle.

See y’all next year.

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