The Daily Caller

The Daily Caller

The Daily Caller endorses Mark ‘Coonrippy’ Brown for Governor of Tennessee

How should one judge a political leader, and what virtues must he or she possess to be considered worthy of re-election? Certainly, voters must take into account decisions of policy. We must examine the broader vision of the incumbent, and how that weltanschung fared once it met the jagged shoals of political reality.

But overall, as voters, we must judge our leaders as we would any other man or woman: by looking to their character, an evaluation of which must be made before moving on to secondary considerations. Great leaders are moral leaders, resistant to the temptations of power, humble, honest, and trembling before almighty God.

For that reason, The Daily Caller is compelled to make the first political endorsement in its history, urging the people of Tennessee to replace Gov. Bill Haslam with Mark “Coonrippy” Brown.

Haslam, a Republican, has presumably made a number of decisions since becoming governor. Some of these decisions, we expect, were popular, while some were less so.

He has probably been honest at times, and less forthright at other times. The state of Tennessee may or may not be doing well under his administration, and anyway it likely depends on whom you ask.

But all of this is secondary to the major, unalterable fact of Bill Haslam’s tenure: he stole Rebekah, Coonrippy Brown’s beloved raccoon.

Brown had become an Internet star for his videos featuring him and his adorable raccoon friends, Rebekah and the now-deceased Gunshow, dancing and showering together. Upon seeing these videos last July, Haslam, enraged that another Tennessean had won America’s heart, and in a fit of jealousy reminiscent of King Herod, ordered the jackbooted thugs of his Wildlife Resources Division to seize Rebekah.

WATCH A PATRIOT DANCE WITH HIS RACCOON: 

For this reason alone, Haslam deserves to lose next August’s Republican primary to Brown, a former gun dealer who admits his campaign is “all about the raccoon.”

If you think Brown’s cause is absurd, take a moment to think of the reasons why most people must get into politics: egomania, a warped sense of entitlement, a desire to cheat on one’s spouse, etc. Brown just wants his adorable friend back, which makes him the noblest figure in American political life since the heyday of Adlai Stevenson.

WATCH COONRIPPY BROWN ANNOUNCE HIS CANDIDACY:

To his everlasting credit, Brown sees running for office as a last resort. He collected 60,000 signatures for his petition to reclaim Rebekah. It was returned to him unopened by agents of the callous, out-of-touch Haslam.

It is our hope that Haslam is not only defeated by Brown, but that the election inspires real Americans in all fifty states to unseat the clean-shaven would-be despots in state capitols across the country.

“We’ve got to take this country back one state at a time,” Brown told the Tennessean earlier this month. “We live in the United States of the Offended — not the United States of America.”

While we’re not sure what that means, we at the Caller give it a hearty amen.

THE EDITORS