The New York Times recently declared that there was absolutely nothing scandalous about the Obama administration’s response to the attack on the American embassy in Benghazi. This is all pretty convenient for Hillary Clinton, who was secretary of state at the time of the attack, and who just so happens to be about to launch another bid for the presidency.
Unfortunately for Mrs. Clinton, there are still several “misunderstandings” about her past that can potentially cause her problems in a presidential run. Luckily for her, the New York Times and other like-minded media outlets have more than enough time to clear up any such misconceptions. So without further ado, here are the top revelations the media will publish in the run-up to Mrs. Clinton entering the presidential race:
1) There really was a Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. After a little extra digging by New York Times’ reporters, it turns out that Bill Clinton did not have an affair with Jennifer Flowers, did not settle a sexual harassment lawsuit with Paula Jones and “did not have sexual relations with that women, miss Lewinsky.” It was all a “vast right wing conspiracy,” just as Mrs. Clinton warned us at the time.
2) Voted against Iraq war. Mrs. Clinton’s 2003 vote to go to war with Iraq came back to haunt her in the 2008 Democratic primary and is still held against her by the Democratic base. As luck would have it, a breaking report by the Washington Post reveals that Mrs. Clinton actually intended to vote against the Iraq war all along. Pressing the “yes” button was simply a clerical error on her part.
3) Suspicious investments were to further science. During her husband’s presidency, Mrs. Clinton was dogged by controversy surrounding investments she had made over a decade earlier: In 1978, without any previous experience in commodity trading, Mrs. Clinton — who had close ties to individuals in the cattle industry — turned a $1000 dollar cattle futures investment into $100,000. However, Politico has discovered that Mrs. Clinton’s investment was just an elaborate social experiment to examine whether making a huge profit off insider trading would detrimentally affect her political career (it didn’t). And anyway, all proceeds from this experiment eventually went to charity: the Clinton Foundation.
4) Mrs. Clinton really did come under sniper fire. Mrs. Clinton became the subject of ridicule during the 2008 primary when video footage was uncovered disproving her claim of encountering sniper fire during her 1996 visit to Bosnia. ABC News has just learned that Clinton’s sniper fire claim was actually in reference to a separate trip she had made a two weeks earlier, when she, along with daughter Chelsea and a few of her high school friends, visited war-torn Bosnia as part of their family vacation.
5) Mrs. Clinton young at heart, literally. Whether fair or not, in political campaigns a candidate’s advanced age is seen as a liability. We saw this in the 2008 election when Obama’s camp used McCain’s age against him, and we will likely see this same line of attack by Clinton’s opponents when Clinton runs for president. But while Clinton herself is in her 60’s, according to MSNBC her medical records state that all of her internal organs are only 27 years old. Her doctor isn’t certain whether this is simply due to Mrs. Clinton’s healthy lifestyle, or if it’s the result of her harvesting the organs of young individuals. But whatever the explanation, medical experts agree that Mrs. Clinton isn’t going anywhere for a long time
6) Pantsuits really are stylish. Who knew?