Back in January following the State of the Union when Rep. Michael Grimm (R-N.Y.) threatened to toss a TV reporter off the balcony of the Cannon House Office Building for nosing into his legal troubles, who thought the congressman’s threat might actually be real? News reports surfaced Monday that Grimm faces 20 indictments that address a wad of charges ranging from mail and wire fraud to hiring undocumented workers and obstruction of justice. So besides Grimm – and yes, he’s innocent until proven guilty and all that, but it’s not looking too good – what other criminals would make fun members of Congress for reporters to cover?
There’s a bunch, actually.
11. Sen. Michael Skakel — Look, there must be a Kennedy in Congress at all times, right now there isn’t one and that’s unacceptable. So what if Skakel has to wear a GPS monitor bracelet while he awaits a new trial? Skakel, who is Ethel Kennedy‘s nephew, was charged and found guilty of the 1975 murder of neighbor Martha Moxley with a golf club. He spent 11 years in prison for the crime. He awaits a new trial unless prosecutors win an appeal to shut it down. Horribly he can go golfing with President Obama.
10. Rep. Scott Peterson — Let’s face it. He wouldn’t contribute much. But the good-looking murderer who resides on death row for killing his wife and unborn baby would be a great get for The Hill‘s 50 Most Beautiful People list, which could use some fresh blood (so to speak).
9. Congressman Dale Peterson (no relation to Scott)– This colorfully crass Alabama Republican was arrested in early 2013 for stealing cashews from a jar at a Sam’s Club and later returning the unfinished jar to the shelf. At the time, he bizarrely called the nuts “peanuts” as opposed to cashews. In late 2012, he was arrested for stealing two cases of beer from Wal-Mart. Pure coincidence? Why not? If you haven’t read about Peterson, he’s well worth a look.
8. Rep. Bernie Madoff — He could convince the poorer members of Congress to enter into get rich quick schemes. Would be a great, all around colleague, and a regular attendee of weekly Bible study. He’d run a self-funded campaign, obviously.
7. Congresswoman Jodi Arias — Who doesn’t want someone well-versed in stabbing to the serve on the House Armed Services Committee?
6. Rep. Jordon Belfort — His bling-infested entourage following him around the halls of the Longworth building would keep reporters well amused. His office would be full of leggy, big breasted blondes. Belfort was the Wall Street tycoon upon which the movie The Wolf of Wall Street was made. His alma mater is American University, where he earned a degree in biology. Obviously a changed man who’s no longer hooked on Quaaludes, he’d give motivational speeches there from time to time.
5. Congressman Charlie Sheen — I feel like he’d be particularly good at all issues related to crack and porn.
4. Rep. Amanda Knox — Like some of the others, she’d also serve on the Judiciary Committee’s Crime Subcommittee and would specialize in murder cases. Rep. Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) would take her under his wing and teach her the ropes. He has experience with controversy. Daily Caller‘s Editor-in-Chief strongly endorses her, telling The Mirror, “I know in my heart she’s innocent, if not of the murder, then in some deeper sense.”
3. Sen. Rob Ford — An obvious criminal favorite, Ford would focus on drinking, drugs and dancing.
2. Congressman John Hinckley Jr. — The creepy factor on this one is admittedly high. Might take lawmakers a good while to feel comfortable serving alongside the man who shot Ronald Reagan. Reporters would be afraid to go near him, but the ballsy ones would take the plunge. He’d focus on mental health parity. The Capitol Police would have their hands full.
1. Congresswoman Lindsay Lohan — With her campaign funded by Oprah Winfrey, her recovery guru, Lohan would get into every bit of trouble imaginable. Her political career would simultaneously be a reality show on TLC. She’d drink, tan and smoke with House Speaker John Boehner. She’d get repeatedly Vined by BuzzFeed. She’d test the waters with Rep. Aaron Schock (R-Fla.) but eventually sleep with Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) just for the hell of it — all while serving on a special drug commission. She’d appear on NBC’s “Meet the Press” often, causing an inexplicable ratings boost.