Watch Cracked.com’s “A Breakup Letter to Upworthy,” and pretend for a few minutes you will ever stop clicking on exaggerated and misleading headlines. Because you’ll never actually be able to resist Upworthy-style headlines, just like you’ll never actually delete your Facebook or actually keep your New Year’s resolutions.
Regardless, Soren Bowie correctly outlines everything that’s wrong with “link-bait,” describes the betrayal he’s experienced, and declares his relationship with the headlines is over. “We started with something great, you and I,” Bowie says. “You were new, you were powerful, you were commanding. … You were like a lover and a parent. The very best combination.”
But then Bowie describes the heartbreak of betrayal:
“You made a bunch of promises you couldn’t keep. … You presented to me a man who was going on dates, while he was married, and assured me that the story would leave me speechless. Well here i sit, speechful. Because the truth, i found out, is that this man went on a date with his wife. Now i don’t mean to belittle your own emotions, link bait, but that is the dumbest f**king story that I ever heard. That is not news.”
Bowie is now on a roll and declares link-bait is ruining language with “hollow promises” and “screams for attention,” and minimizing the truly amazing things that DO take place. The house that’s so crazy it will change how he thinks about the world is not that crazy — it’s just purple, Bowie says. And then he goes OFF:
“God and the bitch of it is, that there are in the world some surprising, amazing, slack-jaw inducing miracles. But you, you will never see a single one of them, riveted as you are to your stupid f**king purple houses. F**k you link bait. Don’t contact me on Facebook. XOXO.”