Ah, the AFC East, this year with 100 percent less murderers (allegedly). Home of the Patriots and their dynasty ways, the up and coming Dolphins, the potentially surprising Bills and… the Jets. Where Brady reigns supreme, Tannehill’s wife is still smoking hot and Fragile Fred Jackson might just save my fantasy team again (but probably not).
New England Patriots
Coach: Bill Bellichek
What’s there to really say about the Patriots? They’re probably going to be awesome (again). Bellichek is going to be shady. Gisele will yell at the other players’ wives about their husbands. And every Patriot-hater is going to talk about how the team isn’t that good while they dominate their way through another NFL season.
The offense is going to be studly as always. Tom Brady is going to throw for a bunch of yards (again). No one is going to rush for that many yards (again, no matter how much people love Steven Ridley and Shane Vereen) and maybe Rob Gronkowski will go back to sleeping with porn stars and scoring touchdowns instead of breaking his legs.
The defense will be pretty decent with the likes of Vince Wilfork, Jerod Mayo and Chandler Jones. A relatively cake schedule should make the Patriots’ season all the more fun to watch for their fans and just as miserable for everyone else. The Pats will continue to have solid but not spectacular special teams as always.
Notable Losses: G Logan Mankins, CB Aqib Talib, RB LeGarrette Blount, S Adrian Wilson
Notable Additions: CB Darrelle Revis, DE Will Smith, CB Brandon Browner
Notable Draft Picks: DT Dominique Easley, QB Jimmy Garoppolo, RB James White
2013 Record: 12-4, AFC East Champions
AFC East Record: 4-2
Best Case Scenario: 14-2, AFC Champion
Never doubt the New England Patriots. Bellichek is likely part robot and feasts on AFC East opponents. The toughest matchups the Patriots face are the Denver Broncos at home, Indianapolis Colts in Indianapolis and the Green Bay Packers at Green Bay. They don’t face any of these opponents until Week Nine, so there’s a likely chance they start the season 8-0. Other tough but easily winnable matchups include the Cincinnati Bengals, Chicago Bears and San Diego Chargers. This team could easily win 14 games.
Worst Case Scenario: 11-5, AFC Wild Card
There’s no way this team doesn’t win at least 11 games, let alone miss the playoffs. China is more likely to embrace democracy. Trust me I checked the Vegas lines.