Education

College Presidents Grovel To Pampered Radicals At Mediocre, Absurdly Costly Private Schools

The pampered students at America’s embarrassingly expensive second-rate liberal arts colleges are now attempting their own versions of the passionate protests over poop swastikas and reported racial abuse at the University of Missouri and the alleged slurs of “You filthy white piece of shit!” at Dartmouth College. Presidents at the schools are delighted to catch the flak.

At Occidental College in Los Angeles, a group called Oxy United for Black Liberation has pretended to occupy a campus building and issued a list of 14 demands, which includes “the immediate removal” of school president Jonathan Veitch and “mandatory” racial re-education workshops for all professors and employees.

Oxy United for Black Liberation also wants the “immediate removal” of the Los Angeles Police Department from the Occidental campus.

“We have 14 demands which include an increase of faculty and staff of color, umm, a black studies program, more funding for, umm, students of color to do more programming and room speakers. Umm, and so we want that by Friday,” Black Student Alliance vice president Mika Cribbs, dressed in a dashing spaghetti-strap camisole, told Los Angeles television station KTLA.

A few hundred protesting students moved from their posh dorm rooms to an administrative building for a festive slumber party that included sleeping bags and delivery pizza.

“We’re occupying all the hallways,” sophomore protester Olani Ewunnet told LA Weekly. “The staff is just walking over students.”

Late last week, Veitch, Occidental’s president, informed protesters that the fancypants school could not meet the demands of the privileged students.

“We simply can’t meet every demand on that list,” Veitch said, according to USA Today. “But I can tell you that I will honor the conversation. I do not cling to this job. I’m happy to resign.”

The total cost of tuition, fees and room and board for a single year at Occidental is $63,194. That’s about 220 percent of the American per capita income of $28,155.

When they aren’t enjoying delivery pizza while pretending to occupy a campus building, Occidental students enjoy a glorious abundance of on-campus food options including “wood-fired pizza,” “pastas made to order” and “vegan entrees daily.” Saturday nights feature “a full buffet-style meal.” There’s an on-campus coffeehouse for “everyone’s caffeine and pastry needs” and a snack bar offering “organic smoothies.”

Occidental is, of course, most famous for being the school President Barack Obama once attended (before wisely transferring to Columbia University) and for expelling a male student for having sex with a female student who texted him “do you have a condom” and texted her friends “I’mgoingtohave sex now” [sic]. (RELATED: Professor At Obama’s First College Brands College Student Rapist Because He Got Good Grades, Played Sports And Was ‘From A Good Family’)