Never Trust A Person Who Doesn’t Watch And Love March Madness

March Madness is here, and that means we’re about to find out which Americans don’t support college basketball.

There is absolutely no excuse to not be a huge March Madness fan. In fact, I’m a big believer that those who hate college basketball have mental defects, and should probably be quarantined until we know what the hell is going on.

March Madness is an excuse to drink beer, gamble your house away, shoot your shot with women at the bar after a big win and celebrate another example of why American sports are better than the rest of the world. What’s not to love and support about that?

I’m generally not a suspicious person at all. In fact, I’m very free and easy. However, sirens and warning alerts start going off in my head the moment I hear from anybody that they don’t watch March Madness. What could they possibly thinking? Do they have a brain at all? Do they hate freedom? Do they hate beer?

These are the questions that I instantly starting running through. Hell, I’m not even entirely opposed to waterboarding people against March Madness to find out what is wrong with them. They’re clearly bad people and we should know all their intentions. They probably also hate the fact we landed on the moon and won the 1980 gold medal for men’s hockey. These people are not to be trusted or associated with.

I know for a fact that I’ll be proving my love for college basketball at every opportunity I can these upcoming weeks. There will be beer, there will be gambling and there will probably be a lot of ups and downs throughout the journey. I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for the people out there to set an example. This is my burden to carry, and I hope you’ll all follow my lead.

March Madness is far too important to not rage. Those who disagree can buy a plane ticket to North Korea at the first possible opportunity.

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