President Joe Biden doesn’t often get props for tanking the economy so quickly or overseeing the historic rapid rise in inflation. But if we can all band together to give him props, it should be for eating like a toothless bird and LIKING it.
After some minor dental work, I’m unable to bite down and chew my food, not unlike the man in the Oval Office.
I started my Thursday morning like I would any day, with a piece of toast and fresh fruit. I ignored my intuition to eat something heavier knowing I’d be drooling like a senile geezer within hours and likely would have to wait to eat again.
What kind of fool was I?
After opening the floodgates of tears at the dentist, I left more numb than Hunter Biden’s gums after a coke-fueled bender. I knew immediately something was off: I could not close my jaw fully.
The dentist dismissed my concerns and said once the numbness wore off, I’d be able to re-align my bite. Turns out he was wrong, and now I am doing what any 81-year-old president with a weird jaw problem would do: I’m headed for soft foods.
First, I polished off some mashed potatoes and peas, generously coated in salt (not crushed up Ritalin), before my Uncle Joe sweet tooth got the better of me.
I was so humbled by the way Biden eats for us (so that he can remain strong and healthy for the country) that I had two bowls of chocolate-chocolate chip! instead of one. I was screaming in pain for ice cream. No, joke!
Luckily I sundowned early, sleeping off the rest of my hunger. But today led me down yet another treacherous path: what can I eat for breakfast that doesn’t require chewing?
There is always the Hunter Biden Crack Madame, which involves a fried egg and a meth rock … but I threw up a quick Hail Mary and opted for white rice with butter instead, no chewing involved of course.
I suppose there is one major difference between Biden’s diet and mine. Unlike POTUS, I don’t have a spoon-feeding Jill to play “Here comes the plane!”