Jim Treacher

POLL: What’s The Most Likely Motive Of Barcelona Attacker Driss Oukabir?

We don't know the motive of Barcelona attacker Driss Oukabir, and of course we never will. But if you had to guess, Dear Reader, why do you think someone like that would do something like this?

Seattle Mayor Requests Removal Of Lenin Statue

4:08 PM 08/17/2017

Did you know that there's a statue of Vladimir Lenin at an intersection in Seattle? That's because it's Seattle. And because Seattle is in the United States of America, nominally, most people have no problem seeing a statue of one of history's losers. Who cares? It's just a statue.

Wolf Blitzer: Maybe The Barcelona Attackers Are Charlottesville Copycats?

2:56 PM 08/17/2017

Last weekend, a white supremacist plowed a vehicle into a crowd of people in Charlottesville, Virginia. Earlier today, someone plowed a vehicle into a crowd of people in Barcelona, Spain. Could the two attacks be connected?

‘Protesters’ Try To Tear Down Atlanta’s Peace Monument

11:29 AM 08/17/2017

I put "protesters" in quotes because that's how these guys are always described, as if vandalism is just a form of protest. As if violence is just a form of protest. It's not. It's vandalism and violence. They're vandals and thugs. We shouldn't condone it, no matter how we feel about their reasons.

Juggalos Vs. Proud Boys On The National Mall?

9:00 AM 08/17/2017

Hitler, Stalin, both are jerks
F***in' free speech, how does it work
And I don't wanna talk to no nationalist
Y'all f***ers sieg-heilin' and gettin' me pissed

Trump Removes WH Bikeshare Station That Obama Put In

6:06 PM 08/16/2017

I have neither the inclination to defend President Trump nor the energy to condemn him. Apparently, I'm expected either to demand his resignation yesterday or to declare him President-For-Life. Either one is fine. Whatever. I'm outraged out. This is what you wanted, America, and this is what you got.

POLL: Why Is Mike Pence Coming Home From South America Early?

5:12 PM 08/16/2017

Vice President Pence is cutting short his trip to South America and heading back home. What do you suppose is the big hurry?

I Don’t Like The Alt-Right And I Never Have

2:12 PM 08/16/2017

They don't like me either, and I'm glad. They stink, and I've always said so. Here, I'll prove it.

Now They’re Comparing Antifa To American Vets

11:07 AM 08/16/2017

America beat the Nazis. Then America beat the Commies. Now some self-styled Nazis are fighting some self-styled Commies on American soil, and our veterans have been drafted without their knowledge or consent. The Greatest Generation are now Communists, whether they like it or not.

Confederate Memorial Removed From Hollywood Forever Cemetery

5:28 AM 08/16/2017

There's nothing like a good ol' moral panic to give everybody something to live for, is there? Gets the blood pumping, makes you feel like you've accomplished something. For a little while, anyway. Until the next time you need a quick fix of outrage. And you will.

POLL: Which Monument Should Be Torn Down Next?

5:58 PM 08/15/2017

As we've all learned this week, the only way to heal America is to tear down any freestanding objects that remind us of old white guys we don't like. We're off to a great start! What should we tear down next, Dear Reader?

If You Want An Abortion In Texas, You Have To Pay For It Yourself

5:10 PM 08/15/2017

Or, as abortion enthusiasts prefer to phrase it, you're being "denied access." Y'know, like expecting people to go to CVS to buy their own birth control is "denying access." Expecting people to deal with the consequences of their own choices is "denying access."

CBS News Asks: Is Eugenics Right For You?

2:18 PM 08/15/2017

Last night, CBS News took a break from hyperventilating about the looming Nazi menace to spend a few minutes exploring the benefits of eugenics.

A monument to former U.S. Vice President and Confederate General John Cabell Breckinridge stands outside the Old Courthouse in Lexington, Ky., August 15, 2017.  REUTERS/Bryan Woolston

Millennials Finally End The Civil War

11:20 AM 08/15/2017

As every living American with European ancestors knows, the Confederacy is our fault. We did that. We're responsible for that. It's our solemn duty to apologize at every turn for looking like people who died 150 years ago. If you don't think it's your fault just because you weren't even born yet, you're a racist.

Internet Detectives Dox Guy Who Was 1,000 Miles From Charlottesville

9:00 AM 08/15/2017

During Trump's inauguration, there was footage of a woman setting a Trump supporter's hair on fire. It really made me angry. I don't like Trump, I don't trust Trump, and I didn't vote for Trump, but this is the United States and you should be able to support your elected leaders without being set on fire. So I posted the clip of the attack and asked if anybody recognized the culprit so the cops could do something. Then a bunch of Internet detectives started harassing a woman who only vaguely resembled the culprit, so I posted a follow-up noting that they had the wrong woman and begging them to stop harassing her. As far as I know, the psycho who hated Trump so much that she publicly set someone on fire is still at large. But I still feel bad that I inadvertently helped put someone else in danger, and I hope I helped put it right.

Will ‘Kid Rock’ Be Allowed On The Ballot In Michigan?

6:09 PM 08/14/2017

I'm rooting for Kid Rock to run for the Senate, because I firmly believe this is the Darkest Timeline so why not. But it might turn out to be the case that his! name! is! iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiineligible!

POLL: Pick Jim Acosta’s Next Snappy Comeback

4:45 PM 08/14/2017

Earlier today, President Trump once again accused CNN of spreading fake news. CNN's Jim Acosta, no stranger to fire-ass owns himself, retorted: "Haven't you spread a lot of fake news yourself, sir?" BOOM!!! (Sure, the implicit admission on Acosta's part is that CNN has spread a lot of fake news, but whatevs.) Now that we understand the parameters of Acosta's job, Dear Reader, we can help him think of some more awesome comebacks to use.

Angela Merkel, German Chancellor and leader of the conservative Christian Democratic Union (CDU) party waves following the start of the CDU's election rally for Germany's general election in Dortmund, Germany August 12, 2017. REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

Angela Merkel: Nazis Are Bad, M’Kay?

1:40 PM 08/14/2017

Better late than never, eh, Angie?

CBS: Right-Wingers Are Deadlier Than Islamic Terrorists Or Something

11:27 AM 08/14/2017

Hey, everybody, right-wing extremists are more dangerous than Islamic extremists. I know this because CBS News "looked at the data." You want to see "the data"? Here's "the data."