Jim Treacher

See You In A Couple Of Weeks

Hey, kids. Just a quick note, if anybody's interested, that I'll be offline for a while. I don't remember the last time I took a break from the 60/60/24/7 news cycle. I really need one.

Blago Blocked From Bugging Out of Big House

3:57 PM 08/09/2016

Rod Blagojevich is that rarest of creatures: a Democrat politician to whom laws actually apply.

Donald Trump Reuters/Joshua Roberts

I Believe Donald Trump

2:20 PM 08/09/2016

If you're one of these #NeverTrump people who love Hillary Clinton and want her to be president, you're willing to tell a lot of lies about what Mr. Trump says. Or maybe you're just too stupid to shut up and listen and understand. Probably both. Regardless, you should be ashamed of yourself. What's wrong with making America great again? Why don't you want to do that? What's wrong with you?

Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton takes a selfie with supporters during a campaign rally in Kissimmee, Florida, August 8, 2016. (REUTERS/Chris Keane)

Hillary Clinton Scores Crucial Endorsement: Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen’s Dad

8:17 AM 08/09/2016

I want this election to be over. Just pick one or the other of these two walking grotesqueries. I don't even care which one. Flip a coin. Just let this be over.

A homemade clock made by Ahmed Mohamed, 14, is seen in an undated picture released by the Irving Texas Police Department September 16, 2015. Mohamed was taken away from school in handcuffs after he brought the clock to his Dallas-area school this week and the staff mistook it for a bomb, police said on Wednesday.   (REUTERS/Irving Texas Police Department/Handout via Reuters)

‘Clock Kid’ Ahmed Mohamed Wants More Attention, So Here It Is

12:38 PM 08/08/2016

Cool clock, Ahmed! It reads 00:15:01. You got to meet Obama and Larry Wilmore, and you made people feel good about standing up to "Islamophobia," and you even got a scholarship to go to school in Qatar. But now you're back in America, and nobody's paying attention to you anymore, and so now your publicity-hound dad is doing this.

U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) holds a weekly news conference at the U.S. Capitol in Washington January 7, 2016. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

Paul Ryan Edging Out Primary Challenger By A Mere 66 Points

4:13 PM 08/05/2016

If Paul Ryan thought it was a good idea to wait so long to reluctantly endorse Mr. Trump, he'd better think again. He's about to take a serious drubbing from his Wisconsin primary opponent, whose name escapes me even though I just read it.

Hillary Clinton (Photo: SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

Listen To Hillary Clinton Talk About Her ‘Crew’ Of ‘African-American Women Friends’

2:03 PM 08/05/2016

I keep going back and forth between which of the two major-party presidential candidates I hate the most. It all depends on which one's voice I'm hearing at that exact moment. For example, here's Hillary Clinton making me hate her living guts.

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump attends a campaign event at the Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena in Jacksonville, Florida, U.S., August 3, 2016. REUTERS/Eric Thayer

Relax, Trump Didn’t Really Blab About His Classified Security Briefings

2:14 PM 08/04/2016

Nice try, you globalist GOPe cucks, but Trump didn't actually reveal any state secrets yesterday. He just made some $#!+ up.

College Students Wear ‘Three Blind Mice’ Halloween Costumes, Bias Incident Team Leaps Into Action

11:05 AM 08/04/2016

I've seen a lot of hateful bigotry in my day, but nothing quite like this. Trigger Warning: If you have any compassion whatsoever, the actions of these students will sadden and enrage you.

Now You Can Feed On The Blood Of The Young

3:21 PM 08/03/2016

A lot of people say millennials are useless: They're always staring at their phones, they listen to music that sounds like a robot getting raped down a flight of stairs, they think "Ghostbusters doesn't look very good" is a microaggression, etc. "Goddamn millennials," mutter the Americans who were alive when the Village People last had a top 10 hit.

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump speaks at a campaign rally in Colorado Springs, Colorado, U.S., July 29, 2016. REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

Trump Finally Says Something I Like

10:39 AM 08/03/2016

Look, I don't have anything in particular against babies. Everybody loves babies, Planned Parenthood aside. I'm sure your baby is great. He or she is undoubtedly cute and smart and wonderful, because you're cute and smart and wonderful. Terrific. You're terrific, and your baby is terrific. Good for you.

              This undated image provided by Noodles & Company, shows the company's logo.  Shares of Noodles & Co. are soaring Friday, June 28, 2013,  in their first day of trading on the Nasdaq. The casual restaurant chain raised $96.5 million in its initial public offering of stock. Shares priced at $18 each, above the $15 to $17 it predicted earlier this week. (AP Photo/Noodles & Company)

Noodles & Company Workers Fired For Refusing To Serve VA Cop

3:36 PM 08/02/2016

Mac (and cheese) lives matter.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump (L) and vice presidential candidate Mike Pence speak at a campaign event in Roanoke, Virginia, U.S., July 25, 2016.  REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

Air Force Mom Gets Booed At Pence Rally

9:50 AM 08/02/2016

I think Patricia Smith deserves much more respect than she's gotten from Hillary Clinton, and I think the parents of U.S. Army Captain Humayun Khan deserve much more respect than they've gotten from Donald Trump. I'm told this makes me "disingenuous," but that's my sincere opinion. The families of Americans who serve their country aren't infallible or above criticism, but they do deserve our respect.

Nick Denton, founder of Gawker, talks with his legal team before Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan, testifies in court, in St Petersburg, Florida, United States on March 8, 2016.  REUTERS/John Pendygraft/Pool/File Photo

Gawker’s Nick Denton Files For Personal Bankruptcy

3:23 PM 08/01/2016

Sometimes I despair that all hope is lost. It seems like the human race is incapable of learning from our mistakes. We just keep doing the same stupid crap over and over and over again. I get numb to it all. Sure, the sun'll come out tomorrow, but... who cares?

Swedish Bikini Cop Busts Thief, Breaks Internet

1:47 PM 07/29/2016

Remember the Swedish Bikini Team? Did you ever wish they had fought crime? Maybe it was just me... Well, now that dream is a reality.

Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton places her hand on her heart as she arrives onstage to accept the nomination on the fourth and final night at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, U.S. July 28, 2016.  REUTERS/Gary Cameron

Hillary Clinton’s Voice Is Like A Soothing Lullaby

9:24 AM 07/29/2016

Many of us have a favorite sound. Something that calms us and helps us find a little peace in our chaotic lives: The gentle singing of birds. The soft roar of a waterfall. The steady, hypnotic ticking of a grandfather clock. Hillary Clinton yawping into a microphone at the top of her lungs.

First Trailer For The All-Female 'Ghostbusters' Reboot Is Definitely ... Something (YouTube)

Lady Ghostbusters Declare ‘#ImWithHer,’ Promptly Delete Evidence

6:33 PM 07/28/2016

Well, the official Ghostbusters Twitter account deleted it, I mean. Not the Lady Ghostbusters themselves, who are only characters in a movie. But the point is, the Internet is forever. (Don't I know it!) When you delete something, it just makes people wonder why.

Colbert Wants To Ask Trump: ‘What Does Putin’s D*** Taste Like?’

12:21 PM 07/28/2016

Look, I'm not happy about the GOP nominee openly calling for the Russians to hack an American, even if that American is a horrible person who shouldn't be anywhere near the White House. Even if they already have hacked her, which they probably have, and he's just doing his civic duty by telling them to reveal that information. (Seriously, some Trumpkins are saying that.)

Bernie Sanders

Bernie Stops Pretending To Be A Democrat

9:47 AM 07/28/2016

Don't you hate it when a guy joins your political party for the sole purpose of running for president, and then tries to boss you around as if he's been there the whole time? Isn't it annoying to listen to some Johnny-come-lately try to tell you what you should believe?