Blog - DC Trawler
OUT: Memories Pizza is bigoted for refusing to serve gays!
IN: Memories Pizza is bigoted for serving Milo Yiannopoulos!
The following is breaking news. Keep in mind that we don't know all the facts yet, and the facts we do know don't fit into the approved narrative.
If you're like me -- and let's face it, you are, in more ways than you care to admit -- you live your life by one simple precept. One thought, over and over, that helps you navigate through your day: What would Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. do?
I have this theory I'm working on. It's an attempt to explain why Hillary Clinton keeps losing elections. I call it the "People Just Don't Like Hillary Clinton" theory. Sure, it sounds crazy, but I think it explains a lot of what we've seen over the past 8-9 years.
Alright, look, I'm not gonna knock a guy for trying to do the right thing. Sometimes a man sees a problem, and he sees that nobody else is doing anything. It nags at his conscience. So he drives hundreds of miles to a Washington, DC pizza parlor he's been reading about on the Internet, and he goes inside to investigate the secret underground tunnels where the child sex slaves are being held captive by Hillary Clinton. A man's got to do what a man's got to do. And it wouldn't be a good idea to embark upon such a dangerous mission without bringing in a gun (or three) to protect himself, right? I mean, that would be crazy.
It was one of Obama's first actions as president: On Jan. 22, 2009, his seat barely warm, he signed an executive order to close down Guantanamo Bay "no later than one year from now."
Move over, Ed Begley! When it comes to practicing what you preach about globalclimate warmingchange, nobody on Gaia's green earth is doing more than a fellow from Rhode Island named Mark Baumer.
Animals are dumb. I hate all of them except dogs. (And I could be swayed on that one, if Obama is willing to share some good recipes.) Humans run this planet, and animals get to live here only because we allow it. I have no problem with anybody showing a filthy lion or gorilla or panda who's boss. If you mess with the bull, you get the horns. Well, not literally. I don't like you either, bulls.
As I read through all the online hand-wringing about Sunday's incident at Comet Ping Pong -- some of which I've indulged in myself -- I'm reminded of another pizza joint that was the target of a huge smear campaign.
If you're looking for reasons why 2017 will be less depressing than this year has been... keep looking.
I don't know what the Trump presidency is going to be like, and neither does anybody else. Least of all him. But so far, it seems like every time he does something I don't like, he turns right around and does something I like. Or vice versa.
Earlier today, Al Gore went to Trump Tower to meet with Ivanka about
global warming climate change. As Gore left the meeting, he said, "The bulk of the time was with President-elect Donald Trump." This is just further evidence of Trump's strategic genius, and it proves why his loyal followers have been right about him all along. Don't believe me? Then listen up, because here's why:
People believe a lot of weird conspiracy theories: The moon landing was fake. Bush did 9/11. Obama was telling the truth when he claimed he was born in Kenya. J.J. Abrams knew all along how they were going to end Lost. There's all sorts of bizarre nonsense out there. For whatever reason, people choose to comfort themselves with this stuff rather than face reality.
Is it possible to fight an enemy you can't even bring yourself to name?
There are three sacrosanct facts upon which every reasonable person can agree: 1) Animals are dumb, 2) Artificial Christmas trees are superior in every way to the "real" thing, and 3) Beavers need wood.
Remember when refusing to accept the results of an election was a bad thing?
If you've ever wondered why liberals are so protective of the utterly illiberal religion of Islam, the following news holds a clue: Both groups demand a space that's safe from anybody who doesn't believe the same things they do. Campus, caliphate, whatever.
Hillary Clinton has been dealing with her stunning electoral loss in various soothing ways: Wandering around in the woods, going to the supermarket and waiting for people to recognize her, giving awards to Katy Perry, etc. Y'know, the usual. It hurts to lose, especially when you think it's your turn because you have a vagina. But Hillary is doing about as well as can be expected.