Blog - DC Trawler
Remember the Swedish Bikini Team? Did you ever wish they had fought crime? Maybe it was just me... Well, now that dream is a reality.
Many of us have a favorite sound. Something that calms us and helps us find a little peace in our chaotic lives: The gentle singing of birds. The soft roar of a waterfall. The steady, hypnotic ticking of a grandfather clock. Hillary Clinton yawping into a microphone at the top of her lungs.
Well, the official Ghostbusters Twitter account deleted it, I mean. Not the Lady Ghostbusters themselves, who are only characters in a movie. But the point is, the Internet is forever. (Don't I know it!) When you delete something, it just makes people wonder why.
Look, I'm not happy about the GOP nominee openly calling for the Russians to hack an American, even if that American is a horrible person who shouldn't be anywhere near the White House. Even if they already have hacked her, which they probably have, and he's just doing his civic duty by telling them to reveal that information. (Seriously, some Trumpkins are saying that.)
Don't you hate it when a guy joins your political party for the sole purpose of running for president, and then tries to boss you around as if he's been there the whole time? Isn't it annoying to listen to some Johnny-come-lately try to tell you what you should believe?
"People of Earth: We come to you in peace. Our planet is dying. Help us and we will share with you our technology..."
Alright, you globalist cucks, listen up. First of all, it's ridiculous to think the Russians had anything to do with the DNC e-mail hack. What, do you think Boris and Natasha are hiding under your bed? Grow up. Second of all, Mr. Trump has nothing to do with the Russians hacking the Democrats, and he would never condone such a thing under any--
I know I'll take some heat for saying I liked anything Bill Clinton did, but I have to be honest. Let me show you what I'm talking about.
I didn't watch the first night of the DNC, and I probably won't watch any of it other than punishing myself with Hillary's acceptance speech. Same with the RNC. It's just a time-saving measure. In the age of the Twitters and the interwebs, it takes too damn long to be lied to in real time. So I missed Al Franken and Sarah Silverman embarrassing themselves, but I enjoyed all the heckling.
I don't trust the Russians. I didn't trust them when Hillary Clinton was pushing that stupid "reset" button with them, and I don't trust them now that it looks like they're stabbing her right in the server.
If you're worried about violence at your political convention, who better to convene the proceedings than the woman who did so much to cool things down in Baltimore last year?
Trump. Clinton. ISIS. DWS. MRAs. SJWs. Wikileaks. #BlackLivesMatter. #JeSuisWhoeverItIsThisTime. Cumberbatch's weird-ass accent as Dr. Strange. Alex Jones and Cenk Uygur cutting a small-market wrestling promo. Instantaneous access to every single bit of pop-culture detritus clogging up my poor dumb brain, all at the click of a button.
The other night, a creepy loud scowling orange parade float with endlessly flailing paws accepted the Republican Party's nomination for president. A lot of people had problems with the substance and delivery of the speech, but I was too busy trying to figure out how I got stuck in some nightmarish alternate universe.
It means you have to stand next to the man while he spews crazy stream-of-consciousness word salad about whoever has hurt his ego the most at that particular millisecond. And more importantly, it means being able to control every muscle in your face so you don't become a meme like Chris "Always a Bridesmaid" Christie.
It's strange that whenever there's an Islamic terrorist attack and we're told the jihadi acted alone, we're supposed to be comforted. Somehow, it's supposed to be a relief that he wasn't part of a larger cell or group. But if the whole idea of a terrorist attack is to infiltrate an area and catch everybody by surprise, aren't "lone wolf" attacks even harder to prevent? Isn't a lone terrorist more stealthy than a group of them?
Did you know that those evil, knuckle-dragging teabaggers actually think Hillary Clinton should go to prison, just because she indisputably broke federal law and endangered national security over a period of years, and got away with it because she's too big to jail? And it gets even worse: Some of these drooling genetic anomalies even printed up buttons to reflect that twisted belief. Sick!
During Ted Cruz's speech at the RNC last night, he refused to endorse Donald Trump. Instead, he said this: "And to those listening, please, don't stay home in November. Stand, and speak, and vote your conscience, vote for candidates up and down the ticket who you trust to defend our freedom and to be faithful to the Constitution." He extolled the virtues of freedom and liberty, and he expressed his love of America, but that was it. The crowd booed him, and for good reason. Lyin' Ted, the unlikable Canadian with an ugly wife (and whose dad might've killed JFK, we don't know, there's something funny going on there), made a big mistake by refusing to kiss Mr. Trump's ring. Here's why.
No, not between Donald Trump and whoever said something bad about him on cable news within the previous 10 minutes. Not that kind of pissing match. I'm talking about actual piss.