Blog - DC Trawler
Last week, the Target Corporation announced that customers can use any public facility they want in any Target store, regardless of their chromosomes, genitalia, or any other unfortunate fact of biology. Target has openly rejected our society's cisnormative bigender bigotry, and it's about damn time.
People make fun of Clint Barton because the other Avengers have magic hammers and flying armored suits and stuff, and he's just got a bow and some arrows. But sometimes that's all you need, man.
Whether you like it or not, it's an unavoidable fact that the Republican Party will nominate a bright-orange wrestling manager to represent them on November 8, 2016. Now, all you can do is get on board the Trump Train or else... um... Or else stupid people will yell at you, I guess? Other than that, I don't really see a downside to sitting this one out.
John Kasich's presidential campaign is over. But no one can ever take away the memories.
Another hoax bites the dust. And another one gone, and another one gone...
Well, I guess it’s all over. I held the line for as long as I could, but now it looks like Donald Trump is going to be the Republican nominee. It’s never fun to admit that defiance is futile, but it’s time for me to make amends. It's time to build bridges. It's time to reach out to all my Trump-supporting brothers and sisters. Here’s why I’m going back on my word and voting for Donald Trump in November, and why you should too:
Ladies and gentlemen: the next President of the United States.
We've all been there, eh, fellas? You want to, um, hang out around a bunch of women with no clothes on, but Johnny Law keeps bringing you down. It's an age-old problem, but I haven't seen anybody go to such great lengths to do something about it since Buffy and Hildy.
Sometimes it's hard to keep track of all the bad things #NotAllMuslims are doing. But it's important to pay attention, because #NotAllMuslims are doing the bad things. Also, Christians do bad things too.
Ah, the beautiful utopia of Seattle. You can smoke all the weed you want, and the ensuing McDonald's run is guilt-free because you know everybody there is making $15 an hour. Speaking of garbage, in Seattle you can rest soundly in the knowledge that the municipal government is pursuing your traitorous neighbors who are killing Gaia by throwing away their coffee grounds and melon rinds. And to remain on the topic of garbage, in Seattle you won't get called out for marching against capitalism while tweeting about it on your iPhone.
I realize that if you've already jumped on the Trump Train, you don't care whether anything he says is true or false. That's not the point of Donald Trump. Just the opposite, really. After 8 years of Obama's lies, and the prospect of 4-8 more years of Hillary Clinton's lies, some Republicans have decided they prefer Trump's lies. It's a strange form of revenge: Republicans have put up with the Democrats brazenly lying to them for the better part of a decade, and now it's time for Democrats to put up with a "Republican's" brazen lies. So there.
Last year I told you about a Seattle ordinance that authorized garbage collectors to fine people who put more than 10% food waste in their trash cans. That's right, it's now somebody's job in Seattle to go out and judge other people's garbage. Their commitment to saving the planet is so strong that they've basically invented trashcrime.
Greg Garrison is a longtime conservative talk-radio host on WIBC here in Indianapolis. Back in 1992, he was the prosecutor who put Mike Tyson away for raping a beauty-pageant contestant named Desiree Washington in an Indianapolis hotel. And today, Garrison is not at all happy with Donald Trump.
Last year, a Green Beret named Charles Martland was kicked out of the Army for "body slamming a local Afghani police chief... who had been allegedly raping young boys." The man laughed it off, so Martland kicked his ass. Martland has maintained that the act was morally justified, and I know of no sane person who disagrees. Disciplining him was justified, but discharging him entirely was not.
Those ISIS boys like to put out videos depicting themselves as fierce warriors. But according to this footage obtained by VICE News, they're not so much jihadi legends as they are Jerry Lewis.
OK, write down your answer...
Has this ever happened to you, fellas: All you want to do is spend a pleasant afternoon hanging around in a women's bathroom or public changing facility, because that's what you feel compelled to do. But then some meddler goes and calls the cops on you!
Oliver Stone has written and directed a movie about Edward Snowden, presumably because a Benedict Arnold biopic would've required too much research.
There wasn't a lot of good news for conservatives last night. A lifetime liberal, habitual liar, and all-around awful human being took one step closer to clinching the nomination, and so did Hillary Clinton. But at least we can take comfort in one undeniable fact: DeRay got stomped.