Jim Treacher
Blogger

POLL: Now That Amy Schumer Has Dropped Out Of The Barbie Movie, Who Should Play Barbie?

'Inside Amy Schumer' Sneak Peak Season 4 (Photo: Getty Images)

It was a dream come true for feminists, SJWs, and other important Americans: Amy Schumer announced she would be portraying Barbie, the doll, in a movie about Barbie, the doll. But now Schumer has dropped out, citing "scheduling conflicts." Who should replace her?

Now We Have Robot Eels, Obviously

2:15 PM 03/24/2017

I like robots, especially when they replace fast-food workers. I hate animals, because they keep trying to wipe out mankind and are almost as disgusting as fast-food workers. So I have mixed feelings about robot animals. Especially robot... eels.

A handout photograph released by the Metropolitan Police shows a mugshot of Khalid Masood, received in London, Britain March 24, 2017.   REUTERS/Metropolitan Police/Handout

‘Lone Wolf’ Khalid Masood Was Shot Down 100 Yards Away From Theresa May

1:35 PM 03/24/2017

Khalid Masood killed four people and injured 50 more during his motiveless rampage in front of the British Houses of Parliament. As bad as it was, it could've been even worse.

Washington state civil rights advocate Rachel Dolezal appears on the NBC News

Proud Black Woman Nkechi Amare Diallo (Formerly Rachel Dolezal) Debuts Memoir

10:32 AM 03/24/2017

Like a lowly caterpillar transforming into a beautiful butterfly, gross icky white girl Rachel Dolezal has metamorphosed into Nkechi Amare Diallo, a strong, glorious African-American woman. But just like the civil-rights pioneers who came before her, Diallo keeps catching hate from bigots. Now they're all whining and complaining about her new book, "In Full Color: Finding My Place in a Black and White World."

Chelsea Clinton (Photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images)

LA Times: Leave Chelsea Clinton Alone

9:49 AM 03/24/2017

Whenever life starts to get you down, whenever you feel like the troubles of the whole world are riding on your shoulders, take a moment to stop and remember the truly unfortunate among us. Those unlucky victims in our society who just can't seem to catch a break. People like Chelsea Clinton.

Canadian fans react as they hold Canada flags during the men's quarter-finals ice hockey game between Canada and Latvia at the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympic Games February 19, 2014. REUTERS/Mark Blinch (RUSSIA  - Tags: OLYMPICS SPORT ICE HOCKEY) - RTX194SP

Canada Would Rather You Didn’t Criticize Islam, Eh?

6:04 PM 03/23/2017

It's the day after yet another high-profile Islamic terrorist attack, and you know what that means. It's time to start worrying about the real victims!

Shia LaBeouf is seen near the camera during his He Will Not Divide Us livestream outside the Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria, in the Queens borough of New York January 24, 2017 as a protest against President Donald Trump. LaBeouf has installed a camera at the Museum of the Moving Image in New York that will run a continuous live stream for the duration of Trump's presidency. LaBeouf is inviting the public to participate in the project by saying the phrase, He will not divide us, into the camera. (Photo credit: TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP/Getty Images)

Once More, Shia LaBeouf Divided From ‘He Will Not Divide Us’ Flag

3:39 PM 03/23/2017

I checked on hewillnotdivide.us just this morning, and the flag branded with the titular phrase was still fluttering proudly in the breeze. Shia LaBeouf divided his latest art project from the United States by an entire ocean, after moving it from Queens to Albuquerque and then to rural Tennessee, and it seemed to have done the trick. Moving it way over to Liverpool, England actually worked! HWNDU was A-OK. Trolls 3, Shia 1.

POTUS To Dissenters: I’m The President And You’re Not

12:29 PM 03/23/2017

This is very frightening. An American president, scoffing at his opponents because he has power over them. As if he can use the presidential seal to seal out all dissenting views! This must not stand.

Islam Muslim green star and crescent (Getty Images)

London Attacker Finally Named: Khalid Masood

11:50 AM 03/23/2017

Britain's Channel 4 named the wrong one of #NotAllMuslims yesterday. Turns out that the London attacker was a different designated victim.

Milly, a 13-week-old kitten waits with her brother Charlie (L) to be re-homed at The Society for Abandoned Animals Sanctuary in Sale, Manchester which is facing an urgent cash crisis and possible closure on July 27, 2010 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

Is Trump Really Going After A Teenager Over A Kitten Site?

9:22 AM 03/23/2017

There are many legitimate reasons to criticize Donald Trump. Much of his behavior is fair game. And yet people feel the need to keep making stuff up. Panicking over Trump has become a lucrative industry, and hoaxers are having a field day.

Michael Moore To Democrats: You’re Not Freaking Out Loudly Enough

5:30 PM 03/22/2017

There's been some question this week about who the leader of the Democratic Party is. Nancy Pelosi sure doesn't know. But now, folks, we have our answer.

Islam Muslim green star and crescent (Getty Images)

#NotAllMuslims Attack British Parliament

3:44 PM 03/22/2017

Now we have a name.

Chelsea Clinton and Hillary Clinton (Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

POLL: What Is Chelsea Clinton’s Greatest Achievement?

11:54 AM 03/22/2017

Chelsea Clinton is getting a "lifetime achievement" award from Variety next month. If you're a dumb teabagger, you probably think her only achievement is being alive for her whole lifetime. But the rest of us know better!

#HeWillNotDivideUs Now Divided From Us By An Entire Ocean

11:09 AM 03/22/2017

It's been a rough couple of months for thespian and artbro Shia LaBeouf. Back on inauguration day, he started a performance art project called He Will Not Divide Us (http://hewillnotdivide.us), in which attention-seekers from across the land gathered to troll each other in front of a live webcam. Shia got arrested for attacking a guy, live on the Internet, and the Museum of the Moving Image in NYC shut the whole thing down.

Chuck Barris, R.I.P.

9:00 AM 03/22/2017

Before Tim & Eric, before Johnny Knoxville, before ritual public humiliation became a staple of American television, there was The Gong Show.

Vladimir Putin (Credit: Frederic Legrand - COMEO / Shutterstock.com)

POTUS Denies That Russia Is A Problem, And It’s On Video

9:51 PM 03/21/2017

What you're about to see is a bombshell: The President of the United States, openly denying that Russia is any threat to our country. Seriously.

Netflix presents Marvel's Iron Fist at New York Comic-Con 2016.  (Photo by Craig Barritt/Getty Images for Netflix)

Iron Fist Creator To Critics: The Character Isn’t ‘Oriental,’ So Get Over It

5:59 PM 03/21/2017

I tried to watch Iron Fist on Netflix, but it was boring and I gave up after 20 minutes. The only entertainment I'm likely to derive from the show is watching people complain online that a Caucasian comic-book character is being portrayed by a white dude. And if they weren't ticked off enough about it already, the creator of the original character is really (ahem) kicking things off.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Trump (Getty Images)

Schwarzenegger Continues Dumb Feud With Trump, But It’s For A Good Cause

3:05 PM 03/21/2017

I keep going back and forth about how real this feud between the Terminator and the President of the United States is. But apparently, it's as real as anything can be in 2017 America. They really don't seem to like each other. At least now Arnold is trying to do something good with it.

Boy Wearing Dunce Cap

All Of A Sudden, Everybody’s Getting Suspended

1:07 PM 03/21/2017

Fox News has suspended Andrew Napolitano for claiming that British intelligence wiretapped Trump Tower at Obama's request. The Blaze has suspended Tomi Lahren after she went on The View last week and called pro-lifers hypocrites. Now we've got another suspension.