Ladies and gentlemen, I’m pleased to announce I’ve come up with the perfect dating show, and it’s called “Cabin Fever.”
The other day, I was talking with a group of people at work about what would be the perfect dating show. What would get the audience going? What would stoke the flames of drama? What would bring out the drama in people? What would captivate the audiences?
The answer is surprisingly simple. You take one man and all of his ex-girlfriends from the age of 18 up, throw them in a small and isolated cabin, cut off all communication with the outside world, set up tasks and competitions for them and he gets $1 million if he makes it a month without quitting.
There’s a slight catch. Every woman in the cabin gets $100,000 if he does quit. They’re incentivized to make his life a living hell. At the same time, the tasks and competitions are incentivized. This way, the women don’t just throw in the towel immediately to try to force him out of the house. For example, a task could be to keep a large fire going in the cold winter night for a solid 12 hours. If completed, the ex-girlfriend could get $20,000 tacked onto her potential winnings.
Naturally, we’re going to have to throw in some sticks of dynamite. First off, sleeping arrangements are going to be very cramped. This is a tiny cabin with up to eight total people in it (for the sake of the proposal we’re capping it at the guy and up to seven ex-girlfriends). There won’t be a lot of room.
Every night, one woman will share the only bedroom in the cabin with the man. There can be two cots, but they have to spend the night. If they don’t, then they get money deducted from their potential winnings. Consider it a fine. Again, there doesn’t need to be any sexual activity, but they need to be in the same room alone for at least six hours.
The room doesn’t need cameras, but it has to be mic’d up. We need the drama. This is the type of stuff “The Bachelor” couldn’t dream of giving you.
Second, food will be dropped off, but it won’t ever be prepared. Over the course of the 30 days, there’ll be meats, vegetables and potatoes provided, but all of it will have to be cooked on an old stove or over the fire in the harsh winter.
Prepare for the fireworks to start flying once the food situation turns to chaos. Next, let’s focus on the booze. I want this cabin stacked with the world’s best alcohol. It should be flowing nonstop.
Finally, another way to really shake things up is if the guy has a significant other and makes it into the final stretch.
We fly out his girlfriend for a large dinner. By this point, it’d be more than three weeks in a cabin with all his ex-lovers and no outside attention.
Just think of the kind of chaos his girlfriend entering the cabin could cause. Also, we could reverse this and make it a woman with seven of her ex-boyfriends, but I don’t think that’d be as entertaining. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
Now, I’m sure some of you are wondering how this could be entertaining if people get along with all their old significant others.
Good question. We just ignore those applicants. There has to at least be some very bad ex-girlfriends. It’d even be almost more interesting if there were four women he really didn’t get along with, and then three ex-lovers he did.
Would sides be drawn? Would there be copious amounts of sex with the women he’s still on good terms with? Would sparks fly? Would a woman cut another woman out of jealousy? What happens if one ex-girlfriend thinks the man cheated on her with another woman there while they were dating?
These are the questions America needs answered! Also, somebody pointed out that we could also do this on a ranch instead of a cabin, and make all the tasks ranching related where they all have to work together. I like that idea too, but I worry it gives people too much space to spread out.
Anyways, somebody is going to write me and the guys at work a fat check for “Cabin Fever.” You might doubt us, but this is going to run “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” right out of business.
