So, at midnight Tuesday morning, the government shut down. And by shut down, we mean it was told it had to spend less than it wanted to.
Kind of like when bad parents punish their bad kid by telling him he can’t have seconds of chocolate cake. Unless he kicks and screams loud enough, in which case they’ll revisit it.
So whether you’re a soldier, a reporter, a bartender or a salesman, here are 11 reasons the government shutdown is actually pretty sweet.
1) All your friends who do wicked important, top-secret Jason Bourne stuff for the government? Yeah, they’re not essential, and they’re not going to work today, meaning they’re less insufferable than usual, plus they’re at home pre-gaming for when you’re done with your work day. (RELATED: WaPo asks the saddest question of all time: ‘Are you ‘essential’?’)
2) And on that note, when all this happens, the government actually has to decide how much of its essential services are actually essential. And it turns out it’s a whole lot less than most politicians would like you to know.
3) Because why? Because for a few days government workers will actually get paid for the value they create. Which can be awkward.
4) But it won’t be awkward for our men and women in uniform, who, in the absence of all those wicked important civilian contractors running around doing wicked important things, will get to live and work on bases that actually run with military efficiency.
5) But don’t get too down, all you guys who got cut — it will now be possible to grab a drink during happy hour in D.C. without a 10-to-1 douche-to-human ratio.
6) And it will be easy getting to that happy hour — even if a pay freeze puts a cab out of the question — because the Metro won’t be so damn packed at 4:59 p.m., and the traffic around the city will be bearable.
7) And whether you’re furloughed or not, you still get a whole lot of awesome new lines to drop at bars, from “I was told the agency simply couldn’t survive without me,” to “I just met you, and this is crazy, but I’m on furlough so call me, maybe?”
8) Plus, your date can come back to your place for a night cap. After all, they’re furloughed.
9) And while you’re recovering, the stock market is going up. Turns out private enterprise doesn’t actually need all that government to function.
10) But as bad as that hangover headache is going to be, there’s one headache we won’t have to deal with for a few more days: IRS audits have stopped. So party like it’s 1861.
11) Oh, and one more thing: Those barred owls the feds are shooting to save the spotted owls? They’ll live to see another day.
Really, the worst part about the shutdown is that it won’t stick around.