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Jim Treacher
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Could Donald Trump Cut Gov’t By 25% Overnight?

Donald Trump candidate . (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

Of course not. Nobody can. Even if you speed-cloned Ronald Reagan by Nov. 8 and made a time-travelling Ben Franklin his running mate, it wouldn't stop the untrammelled growth of government. But apparently, that's the threat they want us to think we face if we elect Orange Julius Caesar.

Scientist Invents Safer Alternative To Alcohol, Gets Slapped Down By Gov’t

10:33 AM 09/23/2016

As a loyal Trekkie, I've often wondered what it would be like to drink "synthehol," the fictional beverage with all of alcohol's pleasures and none of the drawbacks. As with everything else about Gene Roddenberry's vision of the future, it's always seemed like a pipe dream. (All apologies to opiate addicts.) But now a scientist in Britain has brought us one step closer to that glorious day. So, of course, he's being hampered by meddlesome government functionaries.

Ben Sasse Defines Conservatism For A Bewildered Chuck Todd

2:48 PM 09/21/2016

I missed the following exchange last Monday a long time ago, because it happened on MSNBC. As you're about to see, a rather hostile-sounding Chuck Todd asked Senator Ben Sasse (R-NE) to define conservatism. I assume Chuck was frustrated with Sasse's refusal to submit to Trump, thereby confirming Chuck's biases about Republicans. Or maybe Chuck was having a bad day. Or is that just how he talks? It's been so long, I can't remember.

Okay, I’m Done With Weiner Jokes Forever

11:51 AM 09/21/2016

It was funny when Anthony Weiner messed up the first time, tweeting out a dong pic and then trying and disastrously failing to blame it on Andrew Breitbart. It was even funnier when he destroyed his NYC mayoral campaign by sexting with some airhead from Evansville, IN. But it got a lot less funny when he sent a very inappropriate family photo to a still-unnamed, fortyish Trump supporter who really, really takes care of herself. And now the humor value has finally run out.

Joss Whedon Wants To Get You Excited For Hillary, Everybody

10:01 AM 09/21/2016

Joss Whedon was the co-creator of Firefly, a show so libertarian that the ship was shaped like Drew Carey. So of course it was cancelled after 11 episodes, because everybody hates libertarians. And like all third-wave feminists in good standing, last year I was furious at Whedon for making the Black Widow sad that she can never have a child. Joss Whedon is problematic, is what I'm saying.

Minnesota Mall Terrorist Taken Down By NRA-Certified Firearms Instructor

8:16 PM 09/19/2016

#NotAllMuslims are terrorists, but Dahir Adan was. That's the name of the terrorist who ran around a mall in Minnesota on Saturday, asking people if they were Muslim and then stabbing them. Nobody was killed, and that's thanks to a civilian who put a stop to it by exercising his Second Amendment rights.