Dear Kay: I’m A Liberal Woman Who Is Deeply Attracted To Conservative Men. Why?

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Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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Dear Kay: I am a viciously liberal woman however, I find myself deeply sexually attracted to conservative men. Why is this and what am I supposed to do? — signed, Communist Barbie.

Dear Communist Barbie,

Before we dig into this topic further, I need you to know that what you’re feeling is completely normal. I’ve been there. I was once a fairly liberal girl too, but evolved into a conservative woman through, well, reading a lot and understanding the world better. So common is our experience, I could argue it’s Darwinian, so I will.

As a liberal, you’re probably deeply concerned about the future of our species and the planet. So are conservative men. Being sexually attracted to conservative men is one of the best ways to protect our species. This male demographic tends to enjoy regular procreation and will gladly financially, emotionally, and spiritually support you and your brood.

Conservative males also tend to live at-one with nature, and favor outdoor hobbies like hunting instead of plastic-driven cringe-fads like frisbee golf that could literally murder sea turtles. Conservative men are also known to consume whiskey, bottled beer, or no alcohol at all, all of which come in biodegradable glass bottles. Those fruity flavored IPAs common among liberal boys come in cans, which are held together with what? MORE PLASTIC.

More than this, with the impending apocalypse, you need a man who is willing to bear arms to protect you and your kin. Most other politically-minded men will likely become your (and my) apocalypse food once food shortages really settle in.

Becoming more in-touch with our conservative side happens to a lot of humans as we age out of our adolescent ignorance and into our adult-driven common sense. This thought-based evolution tends to coincide with when we start paying taxes and covering our own health insurance. Is this the stage of life you’re in? It would make a lot of sense.

As we get older, we tend to accrue wealth. Rich liberal women reportedly prefer conservative men. I don’t know your financial situation, but this may also be playing into your sexual psychology.

Only a small but loud enclave of your type of liberalism still exists today in America largely because of the current Biden administration’s economic nightmare. Peddling the ideology you know and love is how many Democrats make their money, like failed politician Stacey Abrams, for example.

It’s a genius get-rich-quick scheme on the part of liberal politicians, especially when you can dip into uncle George Soros’ billions. However, conservative men tend to think long-term in their financial planning (in my experience), so perhaps you’re rich and finding yourself sexually attracted to sustainable, sensible financial literacy in a partner?

Contrary to popular belief, there are only two genders and they have social norms assigned to them. Actor Sean Penn said it best when he called out “cowardly genes” for making men “surrender their jeans” in favor of women’s skirts. The trend of liberal-leaning men wearing women’s clothing and Hollywood men screaming about woke stuff is such a turn-off for any powerful, independent woman.

I’m not surprised your loins are calling for conservative males when the ones we see on television are so damn delicious. Just look at characters and actors like the cowboys of “Yellowstone,” Kevin Sorbo, or the lads in “Top Gun: Maverick.” Certified snacks, if you ask me (which you did).

Just remember, you’re not alone. I know that you might think your liberal-leaning flock are larger in numbers than the wolves of conservatism but this simply isn’t the case. Evidence suggests that many members of our species are choosing to move away from America’s liberal hubs for more conservative pastures due to safety issues. (RELATED: STUDY: Burglaries Drop In Areas With High Gun Permits)

This trend again plays into the point I made earlier about Darwinism. Only the strongest will survive what the planet has in store for us. Your natural inclination for fornication with conservative males is your body’s way of saving you from total destruction.

Do you need help navigating the slow collapse of modern society? Send your questions to your new favorite agony aunt, Kay Smythe.