This is a satirical article.
Scoops Delacroix | All Articles
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Scoops Delacroix is a freelance journalist and former communications director for the Front de libération du Québec. His book "Shake: Yuri Andropov and the Death of Narrative" is available on Amazon.
In September, Daily Caller CTO Brian Danza took to the sky to draw a "self-portrait" of the Diamond DA-40 Airplane he was flying as an entry to Lightspeed Aviation's Wild Blue Doodle contest. The Daily Caller never loses, and now we need your help to win big. To vote, enter your email below and click the vote button.
We need a Canadian who might be Fidel Castro's love child to Make America Great Again.
I understand at the most recent Hillary fundraiser, Barbara Streisand did quite the send-up of “Send in the Clowns” at the expense of Donald Trump. Well, on behalf of Deplorables everywhere, let’s just say two can play at that game. Feel free to sing along:
Liberal comedienne Lena Dunham is under fire from all sides for a purportedly racist tweet she sent several years ago that somehow just surfaced.
Olympic champion and renowned gas station vandal Ryan Lochte has responded to critics of his behavior while attending the Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He provided this letter to The Daily Caller's Scoops Delacroix Monday afternoon:
The decapitated head of deputy national security adviser Ben Rhodes was found impaled on a spike in the middle of the White House rose garden on Friday morning.
Have you ever wondered what your drinking experience would be like if each of the leading presidential candidates were a cup of coffee? I have.
You flew back to Washington when Scalia died, like a freshman heading into exams
You hauled those massive binders under spindly arms
On nominations you intended to cram
You had one chance to be classy, hit the funeral help our nation heal
But you’d have to lead more than half of the country
Half of the country, and...
It’s been a topsy-turvy Presidential political season, that’s for sure. Usually the Republicans are the party of primogeniture, while the Democrats prefer to choose their standard-bearer from a competitive field. This time the roles are reversed. Of course, even though we’re down to two it’s still too competitive in the minds of some Democrats. One in particular, who also is miffed that her husband’s long awaited “South Carolina Strategy” consists of little more than hitting every Hooters from Columbia to Charleston. It is reported that this particular Democrat might or might not have been overheard singing this in line at a Greenville, South Carolina Starbucks, during a thirty minute “planned spontaneity” block in her schedule:
I took in Jersey Boys the other night and I must say, I found the performance not to my liking. All the planets lined up for Frankie Valli’s understudy, who got called up to the show. What he lacked in stage experience he more than made up for in confidence, for he seemed bound and determined to fundamentally transform the role. This was my suspicion, anyway, as he sang the opening number inexplicably backed by grandiose Greek columns. My suspicion was confirmed when he ad-libbed the show’s signature song, Walk Like A Man:
Well, this one is a little bit late, but better late than never. In fairness to me, I spent the last two years in isolation, contemplating whether Pajama Boy was an epic troll of conservatives or an actual sign that feminization of the American Male is essentially complete. Turns out it wasn’t feminization but gentrification that I should have worried about. Hipsters followed my tracks to my theretofore ascetic lair, copying even my diet and manner of dress. Now there’s a two hour farm-to-table wait on Wednesday nights at Locust and Honey, and the juice bar is three-deep at all hours with sandal-clad Beardonistas in camel hair coats and cinched leather belts.
We Americans are familiar with “If You See Something, Say Something”, the Department of Homeland Security’s national campaign to keep us vigilant against threats of terrorism. An engaged and alert citizenry is critical to thwarting such dangerous behavior. So why limit this effort to national security threats? Why not also be on the lookout to avert the dire consequences of ill-advised men’s hairstyles, and similar attacks on national good taste? Alone there is only so much we can do, but working together we style sentries can make a difference. I’m talking about you, Man Bun - this ends now.
A lot of people say the Global War On Climate Change is nothing more than power politics of perpetual grievance. Pshaw! My country right or wrong, I say. Why, my mercury rises just thinking about deniers! If you cannot be on the front, then find another way to support our troops. I fall into that category, and my contribution to the war effort is this song, to be sung to the tune of When Johnny Comes Marching Home:
After watching President Obama’s televised defense of the Iran deal, I only have one thing to say: think of the carbon emissions, Mr. President.
Abortion rights advocates have recently grabbed headlines with their effort to "de-stigmatize" abortion by offering spa-like abortion services.
This week, Buzzfeed editor-in-chief Ben Smith published an email that he sent to his staff informing them of a new diversity-based hiring program that will result in all kinds of new Buzzfeed employees from different kinds of backgrounds. We applaud the editor of the predominately male, nearly 75 percent white publication for his bold statement. In that spirit, we have resolved to do more.
It had been nearly ten years since I arrived in Washington. I'd risen through the ranks, made all the right friends. Press secretaries feared me. Senators respected me. Comely young Hill staffers were mine for the taking.