In Joe Biden’s America, there is no common sense. Bottoms run the government. Soy is aplenty.
Don’t take my word for it, though. Simply look the Democratic congressional staffer who got a** blasted in a historic Senate hearing room (or rather, don’t … the video will steal away the last bit of innocence you may hold dear). But do take a peek at the so-called food ingredients on the back of your cereal box. Ferric phosphate niacinamide added to preserve freshness? Yeah, you’ll probably need some penicillin if you keep eating those Cheerios. (RELATED: ‘We All Want Daddy Trump Back’: John Daly Reveals The Quiet Truth About Pro Golfers To Tucker)
This columnist is demanding answers. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned, hetero sex tape scandals, like Ray J and Kim Kardashian, or Pamela Anderson and the Mötley Crüe drummer? Whatever happened to clean, wholesome American foods, like s’ghetti and butter or raw flank steak?
Sadly, we are living in a dark age not seen in this country since the Deep State took out Nixon. Fortunately, not all hope is lost.
If there’s one man who can lead us through the morass of idiocy and soy and butt sex with his homespun wisdom and unfettered alpha nature, it’s John Patrick Daly. (RELATED: ‘I Told The B*tch To Go F*ck Herself’: Unreleased John Daly Moment Is An Instant Classic)
In an interview with Tucker Carlson and Kid Rock, the golf legend revealed the secret meal that has fueled his game and partying for decades — and did so, mind you, using a beautifully simple and elegant equation like a Cambridge mathematician: Caffeine + nicotine = protein.
Watch as John Daly reveals a crucial secret of the universe hidden since the dawn of man:
Ep. 54 Not your typical interview. pic.twitter.com/jfwI8LqNMn
— Tucker Carlson (@TuckerCarlson) December 16, 2023
Caffeine + nicotine = protein? Wait, what?
Simple as. Slug a cup of Columbian oil, blast a Marlborough Cowboy Killer, and you, my friend, just consumed the protein equivalent of a medium-rare pork chop. You also just boosted your T levels tenfold. (RELATED: Tucker Carlson Reveals The One Substance That Can Save American Men In The Bedroom, And It Rhymes With Sin)
Maybe you’re a morning person, and take extra time to cook an ultra-processed soy omelet only to wash it down with soy milk from Whole Foods. Or perhaps you snag a soy bar to-go for your hour-long commute to sit in a fluorescent-lit office with a gaggle of Woke Zoomers moving around numbers in Excel.
However, only real alphas like Daly, the ungovernable, know the secrets of this universe and the meals that boost testosterone and make champions like him tick: 95 mg of caffeine, 1.5 mg of St. Nic. (RELATED: John Daly Response To Biopic Is Gonna Make You Wanna Rip A Dirty Fairway Cig, Crack A Beer)
Scoops says nay to Senate butt stuff. Scoops says nay to mixed Tocopherols. To take back America from the Communists, it starts with the basics. It starts with breakfast, John Daly style.