That's the most cynical possible headline I could give this. Which, in 2016, is how you know it's true.
Jim Treacher | All Articles
Here in America, we've got a clear choice this November when it comes to free speech. On one side of the aisle, we've got a merciless autocrat who wants to use the full force of government to keep us from criticizing people in power. On the other side of the aisle, we've got another one just like her.
Everybody knows that guns are bad. If we ban guns, then nobody will have guns and nobody can shoot each other. (Duh! It's called logic, people.) But did you know that a gun-shaped object doesn't actually need to emit a projectile at high speed in order to be dangerous?
As we all know by now, the original Ghostbusters is a crime against women. Peter Venkman was a one-man rape culture, and soon he'll be discarded in the dustbin of history.
Thanks to Ben Rhodes, Barack Obama, and all the other storytellers in the White House, we now know that the Iranians are our partners in peace. The question isn't whether we can trust them. The question is: Why should they trust us? After all, we're America. We're the Great Satan. We're everything that's wrong with the world. We're so decadent, we even allow our women to walk around in public without chaperones and with faces fully exposed. It's disgraceful.
Love wins. And so does Whole Foods.
If you've ever watched The Wire -- hailed as the "best TV show ever" by anybody who's never seen Battle of the Network Stars -- you almost certainly fell in love with the cuddly Detective William "Bunk" Moreland, portrayed by actor Wendell Pierce. I know I did. And after I read the following, all I could do was wander around the room muttering F-bombs over and over again...
I've always been more of a dog person than a cat person. Dogs are loyal, friendly, and sweet, and they'll never steal your soul through your mouth while you're sleeping.
Sorry, Libs, But It’s Perfectly Normal For Donald Trump To Pretend To Be A Publicist Named ‘John Miller’
Every day, the Hillary-loving media finds some new bit of trivia about Donald Trump to obsess over. "Oh no, he won't release his taxes! Oh no, he's playing footsie with neo-Nazis and white-power creeps! Oh no, he thinks Ted Cruz's dad killed JFK!" Ugh. Whatever. As if any of these things have any bearing on his ability to Make America Great Again. Now they're all pretending it's a big deal that Trump used to call reporters and pretend to be a Trump spokesman named "John Miller." First of all, it's not true, which we know because Trump denies it. Second of all, who cares that it's obviously true, at least to anyone with the gift of hearing? Here's why Trump didn't do it, and why it doesn't matter that he very clearly did it:
If life under King Barry has taught us one thing, it's that Iran is a good friend to the United States. Sure, you hear a lot of "Death to America" and "You're the Great Satan" and whatnot, but that's just old buddies razzing each other. That Iran, such a kidder.
When you make something more expensive, people can afford less of it. That's why a $15/hour minimum wage will put people out of work when employers can't afford it. This is unavoidable. It will happen, and it's already happening.
Congratulations, GOP: You've nominated a guy who's actively playing to every false stereotype of your party. For decades, the Democrats have been calling you guys racists. (Ignoring the fact that they're literally the party of the Ku Klux Klan.) So hey, why not prove them right?
Beef or fish? Make up your mind, Bruce.
Take one look at Ronan Farrow and it's obvious that he's Woody Allen's biological son. The resemblance is uncanny. Every time I see him, I do a double-take. "Whoa, did Woody get a facelift? He looks 30 years younger!"
Here are three of Obama's child soldiers -- Jon Lovett, Jon Favreau, and David Litt -- yukking it up with Charlie Rose about how they all pulled one over on you:
It's just been announced that Barack Obama will be the first sitting U.S. president to visit Hiroshima. Surprisingly, the White House says Obama will not apologize for bombing Japan and ending WWII without invading, which could've cost millions more lives. In case you haven't noticed, apologizing for the foreign policy of previous U.S. presidents is kind of Obama's thing.
Budweiser is an okay beer if you don't have much drinkin' money, you don't like yourself very much, or both. Trends come and go, but it's always there. It's Bud. It's fine. It's not gonna kill ya.*
I don't know why people say Breitbart* has become a bunch of Trump shills. Where's the evidence? Just because Breitbart betrayed their own colleague when she stood up for herself? Nice try, liberals, but now Breitbart is going after Paul Ryan even though Ryan says he doesn't know if he can support Trump for president. What's biased about that?
No one will ever forget where they were when they learned that two of America's most precious celebrities had been taken hostage by a nation of savages:
In any situation involving any person who believes that there is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his prophet, the victims are always Muslims. Always. Once you understand this single immutable rule, everything else makes sense. Or, at the very least, it helps to explain why otherwise rational people can believe so much nonsense.