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Jim Treacher

GOP Nominee Donald Trump Calls On Russia To Hack His Political Opponent

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump gestures at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland

Alright, you globalist cucks, listen up. First of all, it's ridiculous to think the Russians had anything to do with the DNC e-mail hack. What, do you think Boris and Natasha are hiding under your bed? Grow up. Second of all, Mr. Trump has nothing to do with the Russians hacking the Democrats, and he would never condone such a thing under any--

I Liked Bill Clinton’s Speech

8:06 AM 07/27/2016

I know I'll take some heat for saying I liked anything Bill Clinton did, but I have to be honest. Let me show you what I'm talking about.

Big-Government Liberal Al Franken Thinks Your Kids Can Fend For Themselves

1:34 PM 07/26/2016

I didn't watch the first night of the DNC, and I probably won't watch any of it other than punishing myself with Hillary's acceptance speech. Same with the RNC. It's just a time-saving measure. In the age of the Twitters and the interwebs, it takes too damn long to be lied to in real time. So I missed Al Franken and Sarah Silverman embarrassing themselves, but I enjoyed all the heckling.

Tom Petty Was A Prophet

11:15 AM 07/25/2016

Trump. Clinton. ISIS. DWS. MRAs. SJWs. Wikileaks. #BlackLivesMatter. #JeSuisWhoeverItIsThisTime. Cumberbatch's weird-ass accent as Dr. Strange. Alex Jones and Cenk Uygur cutting a small-market wrestling promo. Instantaneous access to every single bit of pop-culture detritus clogging up my poor dumb brain, all at the click of a button.

Old Man Yells At Crowd

2:39 PM 07/23/2016

The other night, a creepy loud scowling orange parade float with endlessly flailing paws accepted the Republican Party's nomination for president. A lot of people had problems with the substance and delivery of the speech, but I was too busy trying to figure out how I got stuck in some nightmarish alternate universe.

Mike Pence Learns What It Means To Be Trump’s VP Pick

12:05 PM 07/22/2016

It means you have to stand next to the man while he spews crazy stream-of-consciousness word salad about whoever has hurt his ego the most at that particular millisecond. And more importantly, it means being able to control every muscle in your face so you don't become a meme like Chris "Always a Bridesmaid" Christie.

Another ‘Lone Wolf’ Islamic Terrorist Turns Out To Have A Pack

5:23 PM 07/21/2016

It's strange that whenever there's an Islamic terrorist attack and we're told the jihadi acted alone, we're supposed to be comforted. Somehow, it's supposed to be a relief that he wasn't part of a larger cell or group. But if the whole idea of a terrorist attack is to infiltrate an area and catch everybody by surprise, aren't "lone wolf" attacks even harder to prevent? Isn't a lone terrorist more stealthy than a group of them?

Rachel Maddow Issues Trigger Warning About Anti-Hillary Buttons

1:01 PM 07/21/2016

Did you know that those evil, knuckle-dragging teabaggers actually think Hillary Clinton should go to prison, just because she indisputably broke federal law and endangered national security over a period of years, and got away with it because she's too big to jail? And it gets even worse: Some of these drooling genetic anomalies even printed up buttons to reflect that twisted belief. Sick!

Ted Cruz Should Be Ashamed Of Himself, And Here’s Why

9:45 AM 07/21/2016

During Ted Cruz's speech at the RNC last night, he refused to endorse Donald Trump. Instead, he said this: "And to those listening, please, don't stay home in November. Stand, and speak, and vote your conscience, vote for candidates up and down the ticket who you trust to defend our freedom and to be faithful to the Constitution." He extolled the virtues of freedom and liberty, and he expressed his love of America, but that was it. The crowd booed him, and for good reason. Lyin' Ted, the unlikable Canadian with an ugly wife (and whose dad might've killed JFK, we don't know, there's something funny going on there), made a big mistake by refusing to kiss Mr. Trump's ring. Here's why.

There Was A Pissing Match At The RNC

3:50 PM 07/20/2016

No, not between Donald Trump and whoever said something bad about him on cable news within the previous 10 minutes. Not that kind of pissing match. I'm talking about actual piss.

Lady Ghostbusters: Too Mediocre To Satisfy Pretty Much Anybody

3:44 PM 07/19/2016

I haven't seen the literally dickless Ghostbusters yet, which is both good news and bad news. Good news, because I'm an agent of the patriarchy and therefore my opinion doesn't matter. Bad news, because I have disposable income and this movie hasn't gotten any of it. But it's 2016, so I'm used to being wrong no matter what I do.

#NotAllMuslims, Morning Edition

11:20 AM 07/19/2016

Lately, the completely unrelated incidents of violence committed by Islamic psychos seem to be picking up pace. They're not quite hourly yet, but we're getting there. Here's the latest, as of late Tuesday morning (EST).

Ladies Get Naked In Cleveland To Protest Trump Or Something

9:49 AM 07/18/2016

Donald Trump is going to be the GOP nominee for president, whether you like it or not. (If you do like it, congratulations. Why are you still so angry?) A lot of people are going to protest in Cleveland this week, which is their right. And I'm going to laugh at them, which is my right. It works out great for everybody. This is America, at least for now.